Zombie Research Society
Great news for mad scientists, genocidal maniacs, and those of you who simply can’t wait for a zombie apocalypse; the United States government has recently lifted any restrictions on developing deadly new diseases! To be fair, the temporary ban simply prohibited federal funding to modify already-deadly pathogens with the intention of making them even more deadly and transmissible. But we’re not exactly sure how that’s supposed to be reassuring.
Known as “gain-of-function”, these laboratory experiments alter and re-engineer viruses that could be weaponized, or used for bio-terrorism, to give them deadly new capabilities. For example, scientists have recently created a controversial airborne version of the avian flu.
Funding for this research was halted after a series of safety breaches at federal laboratories. And despite reporting the gross negligence of our research facilities, failing decontamination labs, and congressional hearings; the Zombie Research Society is surprised to learn that taxpayers are once again in the business of funding the inevitable zombie apocalypse!
The purpose of this Guide Notice is to notify applicants that in accordance with the December 2017 issuance of the Department of Health and Human Services “HHS Framework for Guiding Funding Decisions about Proposed Research Involving Enhanced Potential Pandemic Pathogens (HHS P3CO Framework),” the National Institutes of Health is removing the funding pause on the provision of new or continuation funding for gain-of-function research projects.
Go ahead and read that again, paying particular attention to the phrase “Potential Pandemic”. That’s right America, you may be funding the next global pandemic! So maybe it’s important to understand the logic behind such a dangerous endeavor. Well, the U.S. National Institutes of Health point to Dr. Sam Stanley of Stony Brook University to justify their support.
As chairman of the National Science Advisory Board for Biosecurity, Dr. Stanley believes that the world’s deadliest pathogens are evolving naturally, claiming that “nature is the ultimate bioterrorist and we need to do all we can to stay one step ahead…”
This seems to be a paradox, or casual loop, worthy of a science-fiction novel. At the very least, it appears that Dr. Stanley is putting the cart before the horse by developing dangerous new diseases in hopes of maybe, possibly, eventually discovering a cure for his own deadly creation. But of course, that’s only the official narrative. Perhaps there’s more to the story than we know, and our biological warfare against the living dead has already begun!