APOCALYPSE YUM: MRE TORTELLINI

Apocalypse Yum is a new review column from San Francisco artist and contributing author Bryson DeJong. Feel free to leave any questions or suggestions in the comments below!

Ameriqual MRE Menu 13: Cheese Tortellini Vegetarian

Cheese Tortellini in Tomato Sauce:

Smell: Reminiscent of Chef Boyardee. Reminds me of microwaved, after school snacks eaten alone on a cold winter afternoon. Sort of a flat cheesiness akin to frozen pizza. Also, lingering whiffs of the chemical heater used to “warm” the food.

Taste: The sauce is comparable to inexpensive, canned marinara. Not the rich red confection your grandmother labored over for hours on Sunday afternoons, but a suitable media to slather over lunchroom spaghetti. The tortellini are whole pasta, filled with a granular cheese product and is not really melted together by the heater’s warming action. Definitely moist, the whole affair is rather tasteful.

Spiced Apple Pieces:

Smell: At first sniff this side dish comes off as a mix of apple pie spice and apple sauce. This impression is reinforced by the appearance inside the bag of a rather lumpy mash, counterpointed by the occasional firm chunk.

Taste: The first spoonful yields something that looks very much like it used to be fruit. The sauce that coats each piece reminds me of the hostess fruit pies often shilled by Marvel superheros in the back of comics. The texture of the apple really shines here, as each bite offers a satisfying firmness that I was not expecting. The aftertaste is pleasantly cinnamony. I was really expecting a cross of an apple air freshener and baby food here, so this item is a real stand out.

Crackers and Chunky Peanut Butter:

Smell: The crackers are vacuum packed to keep in the freshness. I could hear the air rush in as I opened the envelope. They smell like a mix of hard tack and newsprint. Not disagreeable, but I’m betting these are going to taste like packing peanuts. The peanut butter smells like regular peanuts, amazingly enough. I’m looking forward to this one.

Taste: Arron Burr. I couldn’t say “Aaron Burr” right now to save my life. These crackers are the driest thing I’ve ever put into my mouth. It’s hard to say anything about the taste because everything now tastes like peanut butter. I’m glad I tested this last.

Overall Impression: Designed for military use, the MRE is a staple food stuff for our fighting men and women overseas. Cheap, available and shelf stable, they are also a welcome addition to any zombie prepper’s pantry. These little jewels pack 2000-3000 calories per bag, giving you the energy you need to defend yourself and your loved ones from the shambling dead. Ive been told these can last for over a decade, so feel free to stock up now and be ready later.

In Closing: Available in a variety of flavors, we are going to be reviewing several MREs in the coming weeks. I can’t promise they’ll be any good, but I’ll give them all a fair shake.