Earlier this month, the federal government quietly announced that they had discovered a number of vials containing the deadly smallpox virus in an unsecured laboratory in Bethesda, Maryland. Just imagine; one of the deadliest diseases in human history was found, completely by chance, during a routine office move! Employees of the National Institutes of Health came across the viable samples as they prepared to move their lab from the local campus of the Food and Drug Administration to an undisclosed location.
To make matters worse, the ensuing investigation found an additional twelve boxes that contained more than 300 vials labeled with the names of biological agents such as dengue, influenza, Q fever and rickettsia. But in an attempt to quell your suspicion that perhaps the federal government is completely and totally inept, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released the following as part of their official statement.
Overlooking such a sample collection is clearly unacceptable. The FDA has already taken steps to ensure that similar material is not present in its other cold storage areas by initiating a thorough review of all common cold storage spaces. The agency is in the process of reviewing its policies and procedures in order to implement a corrective action plan so that potentially hazardous samples are never overlooked in the future.
The key phrase here is “common cold storage spaces” which are also known simply as office refrigerators. Of course, under international convention, there are supposed to be only two stashes of this deadly virus: one at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, and another at a similar facility in Russia.
But as government officials unwittingly expose their employees to anthrax, and scabies continues to flow unchecked across the border… you can rest assured fellow citizens! Because if the zombie virus truly exists, the federal government has promised to scour the refrigerators and freezers of every office across the nation, just in case a fifty year-old vial of Trioxin happens to be stashed behind your coworker’s box of Hot Pockets. Sleep well!