Zombie Research Society
Zombies are more popular than ever.
They’re raking in billions of dollars at the box office and in the video game store. They can be seen shambling down city streets from Los Angeles to London as fans organize thousands of zombie walks, pub crawls, and flash mobs across the globe every year.
That kind of wild popularity inevitably breeds the classic celebrity crush. But if you’ve considered dating a zombie you might want to think twice, because the undead make horrible romantic partners. On this Valentines’ Day we thought it important to point out the top five reasons NOT to date a zombie:
1) They’re selfish.
Don’t be fooled by their laid back demeanor and quiet confidence; zombies have one thing on their minds and one thing only. They’re not interested in taking you out to a surprise birthday dinner, or ever meeting your parents. They’ll never send you flowers on a random Tuesday just because, or call you at work to say how great you are. You’re not a piece of meat!
2) They’re noncommittal.
Are you the kind of person who dreams of spending the rest of your days with that special someone? Zombies aren’t. They can be completely focused on you one minute, and then chasing down someone else the next. Any pair of legs and pretty face that catches their eye is liable to send them wandering off like you never existed. You deserve better!
3) They’re dirty.
Cleanliness may not be the first box on your list of wants, but how about in the top three? Not only do zombies lack basic personal hygiene, but they’re constantly making a mess of their surroundings. And no amount of hinting can get them to clean up after themselves. You need to be an equal partner in any successful relationship, not a maid. Never accept less!
4) They’re needy.
Everyone likes some alone time now and then — except zombies. They won’t respect your boundaries, and they’re constantly in demand of attention. Neediness is often confused with affection, but such confusion risks the temptation to make that mistake. Zombies will only take and take, and never give back. It will never lead to a true emotional connection. Don’t settle for second best!
5) Your friends will hate them.
Finding new love shouldn’t require that you alienate old friends and family. Your ideal romantic partner needs to enhance other important relationships, not tear them down. If you do take the undead plunge, expect a lot of intimate dinners for two because no one wants to double date with a zombie. Your parents will certainly disapprove. Listen to your loved ones!
What are some other good reasons not to date a zombie?
Image provided by Tiki Machine.
Let’s not forget they have the worst table manners. If you can get them to even eat at a table. They refuse to use utensils or a napkin. There is always food between their teeth, on their face and running down the front of their tattered shirts. And when they eat in public, which is most of the time, they don’t tip.