CRACKED KILLS (QUICKLY)

The humor website, Cracked.com, recently published 7 Scientific Reasons A Zombie Outbreak Would Fail.  Though entertaining, the information therein is so grossly misguided that it represents a real threat to the survival of the human race.  With the aim of setting the record straight, here is our response to each of their seven points:

7) They Have Too Many Natural Predators

In reality, zombies don’t have any natural predators.  It is commonly theorized that the chemical components of zombiism likely cause their flesh to be toxic.  Insects that would normally invade a living human, or rotting corpse, would thereby avoid any contact with the undead.  Other animals are concerned with staying safe and sticking to what they know.  A grotesque, lurching ghoul would scare them just as much as it scares you.

6)  They Can’t Take the Heat

Despite Cracked’s claims, putrification is not the first concern when it comes to zombie decay theory.  In fact, it’s likely that zombies only live through the Fresh Stage of decay, which is well before any putrification occurs.  But it’s commonly believed that their decomposition is substantially slowed, and the level of toxicity in their bodies could kill most normal bacterial processes.

6)* They Can’t Take the Cold

If zombies do in fact freeze in cold weather (and there are many solid scientific theories that suggest they may not), this is no help to people living in much of the world.  A zombie outbreak in places like Los Angeles, Miami, Mexico City, Mumbai or Madrid wouldn’t be slowed in the slightest.  Even northern regions have long stretches of warmth, and you’ll die of dehydration, malnutrition or worse waiting for winter.

5) Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease

To assume that zombiism can only be spread through a bite is reckless.  Ask the tens of millions of people who have HIV, or the half billion with malaria, how difficult it is to spread a blood borne disease.   The sickness could be transmitted by mosquitoes.  It could infect municipal water systems, making your kitchen sink as deadly as any raving zombie.  There are dozens of logical possibilities of how an outbreak could take hold.

3)* They Can’t Heal from Day-to-Day Damage

Zombies may not heal when injured, but the living aren’t so hot at healing from day-to-day damage either.  That’s why we have a hospital infrastructure that will unfortunately collapse when the dead rise, leaving us on the same footing as them.  And because zombies probably don’t need to constantly rehydrate like we humans do, they will have a marked advantage in the game of survival.

2) The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers

Inhospitable landscape is as difficult for humans to survive in as the undead, and because the overwhelming majority of us live in cities, the urban landscape it our battleground.  Cracked suggests hiding in upper floors of a building and waiting for the outbreak to pass.  If you’re not killed by hostile humans desperate for your supplies, you’ll likely die of dehydration in a matter of days.  Unless you’re very prepared, the waiting game is no answer.

1) Weapons and the People Who Use Them

Cracked points to the 14 million licensed hunters in the United States, less than 4% of the total population, as proof of our insurmountable combat superiority.  ZRS has done extensive research on gun ownership rates across the country, and the number varies greatly from State to State.  But the real issue is the lack of access that most will have to ammunition.  Once you’re out of bullets that gun is just a stick, and not a very good one at that.

*Not only does Cracked know jack about zombie survival, they apparently can’t count either.