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CRACKED KILLS (QUICKLY)

The humor website, Cracked.com, recently published 7 Scientific Reasons A Zombie Outbreak Would Fail.  Though entertaining, the information therein is so grossly misguided that it represents a real threat to the survival of the human race.  With the aim of setting the record straight, here is our response to each of their seven points:

7) They Have Too Many Natural Predators

In reality, zombies don’t have any natural predators.  It is commonly theorized that the chemical components of zombiism likely cause their flesh to be toxic.  Insects that would normally invade a living human, or rotting corpse, would thereby avoid any contact with the undead.  Other animals are concerned with staying safe and sticking to what they know.  A grotesque, lurching ghoul would scare them just as much as it scares you.

6)  They Can’t Take the Heat

Despite Cracked’s claims, putrification is not the first concern when it comes to zombie decay theory.  In fact, it’s likely that zombies only live through the Fresh Stage of decay, which is well before any putrification occurs.  But it’s commonly believed that their decomposition is substantially slowed, and the level of toxicity in their bodies could kill most normal bacterial processes.

6)* They Can’t Take the Cold

If zombies do in fact freeze in cold weather (and there are many solid scientific theories that suggest they may not), this is no help to people living in much of the world.  A zombie outbreak in places like Los Angeles, Miami, Mexico City, Mumbai or Madrid wouldn’t be slowed in the slightest.  Even northern regions have long stretches of warmth, and you’ll die of dehydration, malnutrition or worse waiting for winter.

5) Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease

To assume that zombiism can only be spread through a bite is reckless.  Ask the tens of millions of people who have HIV, or the half billion with malaria, how difficult it is to spread a blood borne disease.   The sickness could be transmitted by mosquitoes.  It could infect municipal water systems, making your kitchen sink as deadly as any raving zombie.  There are dozens of logical possibilities of how an outbreak could take hold.

3)* They Can’t Heal from Day-to-Day Damage

Zombies may not heal when injured, but the living aren’t so hot at healing from day-to-day damage either.  That’s why we have a hospital infrastructure that will unfortunately collapse when the dead rise, leaving us on the same footing as them.  And because zombies probably don’t need to constantly rehydrate like we humans do, they will have a marked advantage in the game of survival.

2) The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers

Inhospitable landscape is as difficult for humans to survive in as the undead, and because the overwhelming majority of us live in cities, the urban landscape it our battleground.  Cracked suggests hiding in upper floors of a building and waiting for the outbreak to pass.  If you’re not killed by hostile humans desperate for your supplies, you’ll likely die of dehydration in a matter of days.  Unless you’re very prepared, the waiting game is no answer.

1) Weapons and the People Who Use Them

Cracked points to the 14 million licensed hunters in the United States, less than 4% of the total population, as proof of our insurmountable combat superiority.  ZRS has done extensive research on gun ownership rates across the country, and the number varies greatly from State to State.  But the real issue is the lack of access that most will have to ammunition.  Once you’re out of bullets that gun is just a stick, and not a very good one at that.

*Not only does Cracked know jack about zombie survival, they apparently can’t count either.

 

17 comments

  1. Guns are loud if noise will bring more zombies then by all means blast away because ur making it easier for those of us who use stealth and only confront what we must

  2. i am going to use facts to compleatly disprove all points in this report

    7. toxicity would be no different from a living breathing human toxic chemicals don’t appear out of thin air and would not appear from a microbe induced virus either what this article fails to mention is that the virus only has the tools proteins and toxins in the body when it is infected at it’s disposal and last time i checked humans aren’t made of poison the virus would not be able to make toxins out of nothing and if you mean feces and other natural toxins already in the body go look at any predator if they found a dead human course laying on the ground and they were hungry they would have a feast

    6. in sub freezing temperatures even the living will eventually freeze to death because of fluid and water in our bodies and since blood and other fluids in a zombie would be present they would freeze as well and might i add much quicker because the wouldn’t have the benefit of flowing warm blood zombies don’t have heaters strap to there backs last time i checked

    5 they can’t take the heat this is compleaty irelavent because they would be immobile because of decomposition at the point of putrification

    4. comparing hiv is extremely ignorant that is a sexually transmitted disease and anyone stupid enough to try to have sex with a zombie deserves the consequences with proper awareness of the threat everything but mosquito’s would be nulled as a way of transmission also are drinking water is purified and a virus would have to be extremely resistant to make it through the purification process also the cracked article was only speaking of biting as a transmission method not any of the ones you mentioned

    3 they would be immobile because of day to day damage becuase unlike humans and our brain using self preservation as instinct the zombie is oblivious and would have broken bones from faliing and bumping into things constenly as it has no self preservation

    2. this is absolutely true zombies wouldn’t have the coordination to climb a hill let alone a mountain or to cross a river as with humans we do have the skills to do this

    1. weapons people would be killing zombies with not just guns but about everything they could there hands on therefore making this point null and void also if each hunter drops 20 to 40 zombies before going down there is your answer you acting as if it is a 1 to 1 casualty rate

    in the end zombies are science fiction i enjoy debating it but don’t go to far people

  3. Excellent rebuttal to Cracked’s article! I think Cracked made many assumptions that you just can’t when considering a zombie outbreak. To assume zombies can’t handle the cold and their other reckless guesses gives me the feeling their writers sat around a table with a bong and the task of finding reasons an outbreak is impossible.

  4. @ Charlie Green

    You might want to check out ‘The zombie survival guide’ by Max Brooks. It has a lot of survivalist stuff in it and a bunch more ‘factual’ historical evidence of Zombie attacks.

    • Very true that the Zombie Survival Guide has some great info in it, and was on the cutting edge of zombie survival research when it was published in 2003.

      But to clarify, it doesn’t have any fact-based historical evidence of zombie attacks. The outbreaks written about are all fiction, as Brooks himself has said many times. He made them up off the top of his head. Very entertaining though!

  5. I might have missed an article that explains this, but I was wondering why zombie flesh would be toxic?

  6. I’m glad to see that some of the same responses i was coming up with as i read that article were used here. And to the people who claim ZRS is targeting Cracked or have been made upset by this article, please broaden your sense of humor.

  7. Cracked seems to forget that every -1 living killed by a zombie is a +1 to the zombie hordes. They mentioned that 43 people were killed in North America by SARS. Were it the Zombie Virus instead of SARS, that number would grow exponentially to thousands in less than 24 hours, unless immediate actions were taken. Thousands were killed when the Swine Flu came to the states; that’s solid proof of our poor response to health disasters and a clear sign that we are not prepared for the coming storm.

  8. I’m happy that my post got your guy’s attention! I was curious and I decided to post the link to see what other would think about it. Thanks for reviewing it!

  9. How would mosquitos spread zombiism if zombie flesh is toxic and would kill al mosquitos that bit it? Also, mosquitos are attracted to CO2 exhaled from living beings, and at least to my knowledge, zombie’s don’t breath. About the analogy to HIV: so now there are zombie rapists? I can see how it could get in water systems, though, if a bleeding zombie fell into the water purification facilities. I don’t see how else though.

    • If the incubation period of zombiism is a few days, you could be infected and not even be showing signs. Mosquitoes would bite you and spread your blood to others well before you died and turned toxic. There is an article all about this on this blog if you search “mosquitoes”.

      The HIV example was used broadly to debunk the idea that biting is the only way to transfer a blood born illness. You can catch HIV from a bite too.

  10. At the end of the day, its impossible to plan a strategy against zombies until they actually appear and can be studied.

    • True to a large extent, but you need to plan for your own survival, and to defend against other hostile humans. Two things you can and should build a strategy around.

  11. personally i find the most disturbing thing about Crackeds list is the revelation that a google search brings up lots of zombie porn

  12. Cracked seems to have hit a nerve…you act as if they were targeting the ZRS in their research.

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