Apocalypse Yum is a new review column from San Francisco artist and contributing author Bryson DeJong. Feel free to leave any questions or suggestions in the comments below!

Orleans: Tuna Salad with Crackers

Smell: The crackers smell like raw pop tarts, all the way from the over processed flour smell to the hint of surgery filling. The salad smells like a vending machine tuna sandwich, not like the canned tuna you grew up on. There are also strong overtones of the can it comes in. Tinny and overtly metallic to say the least.

Taste: The crackers alone have a very pleasant buttery taste and crispy texture. The tuna salad tastes like it used to taste like something. I had expected this to be a combination of cat food and salsa, but I don’t know a single cat that would eat this. There are little bits of celery floating around in what appears to be a slurry of over processed tuna bits. They offer the only texture and give the impression that you’re eating something other than library paste. I opted to throw out the remaining canned portion and just eat the rest of the crackers plain. Very disappointed with this one.

red|rain Redeem: Tea & Lemonade:

Smell: From the Island of Misfit Energy Drinks comes more black tea and lemonade, but just barely. It took a few long sniffs to figure this one out and it might be the can talking. This does not bode well.

Taste: This tastes like aspartame water. Everything here is very muted and lies under this layer of weird sweetness that is very hard to place. The overall impression is of black tea and citrus. Again I’m not that impressed, but I will finish it because of the caffeine and “energy blend” content.

Overall impression:
I chose items to review based on a few core tenants. One of them is price and both of these items cost $1 US. A tiny sum, but I’m failing to find the value here. From a pure enjoyability stance, both of these items are non-starters. From a utility standpoint they are easily outpaced by other dollar store offerings. The tuna salad offers a paltry 6 grams of protein and 160 calories, making it more of a snack than a meal. I just don’t see this item providing the energy you’ll need to survive the coming deluge of shambling corpses.

On a similar note, the energy drink is bland and flavorless. While I feel pleasantly awake after drinking it, my overall inclination would be to grab something else if given the option. In addition, this drink is of the diet variety, offering only 10 calories. Making it fine for guard duty, but less then ideal for foraging and other active tasks.

In Closing: Both of these items, while cheap to stockpile, offer little utility to the active survivor and should be avoided. Remember to leave your comments below and check back in next week for another installment of Apocalypse Yum!

One comment

  1. ….but really though. during the apocalypse, there will be no food critics. From all that running/zombie head smashing, building barricades and what not….all that energy burned…..tuna salad out of a box will taste like ribeyes marinated in duck fat and powdered drinks will taste like liquid orgasm.

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