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THE WORST ZOMBIE WEAPON

THE WORST ZOMBIE WEAPON

By Liam Holledge

In movies and video games chainsaws are often glamorized as the ultimate zombie killing tool by grinding down the approaching undead horde in a single swing. In reality, chainsaws are one of the worst weapons you could ever choose.

Here are the top five reasons not to ever use a chainsaw in zombie combat:

  1. They’re Loud. Chainsaws make a lot of noise, attract more zombies, and drown out calls from fellow survivors or other vital information.
  2. They’re Heavy. Chainsaws are too heavy to be a practical carry weapon– especially in an extreme survival situation when every ounce counts.
  3. They Misfire. Chainsaws need to be started, and are notoriously stubborn. You don’t want to get stuck pulling a cord with zombies approaching.
  4. They’re Gassed. Possibly the biggest drawback of chainsaws is that they use fuel–a valuable and dwindling resource in a zombie pandemic.
  5. They’re Messy. If infected zombie blood is so toxic that a single drop in your eye will kill you, do you really want to spray it all over your face?

As stated in previous posts, each weapon has advantages and disadvantages, but chainsaws have so many clear drawbacks that they really don’t deserve to be a part of any intelligent zombie survival conversation.

My favorite melee weapon is the humble crowbar. It’s light, packs a punch, is faster than an axe, and can wedge open skulls and locked doors with equal effectiveness.

What’s your melee weapon of choice?

27 comments

  1. Primary: dual Gator Pros
    Alternate: crowbar
    Tertiary: K-bar

  2. I’m gonna go with the tried and true machete. Lightweight, easy to use- sure the blade may get dull after a while, but a machete isn’t a slicing tool: it’s a hacking weapon. It has just enough weight and cutting ability to deliver chopping, crushing blows. Worked great for Jason Voorhees, so it’s good enough for me.

  3. Favourite melee weapon: Smarts.

  4. the other problem with a Chainsaw is that the chainsaw part can fall of it’s guide, turning it into a useless piece of mettle until you get it back on.

    as for my main weapon, well it’s going to have to depend on were I am fighting, but the best thing I got right now is my “Warrior Sword – Naginata” it’s just a big ass sword made to do crushing blows, and with it’s good length I would not have to get to close to the zombie. other weapons would be my crappy rapier for defensive situations, as I could easily use it to poke its brain from the safety of base, also I have a war flail that I could modify into a deadly mace, or my long sword, as it would be easier to use in most situations.

  5. Someone has a voice of reason on this website.

  6. We use chainsaws all the time where I work and I love ‘em. But for killing zombies, your right, they’d be completely useless. Though they would have no problem going through bone, there is always the possibility of kickback which is why we have to use chaps and face shields when operating them. Also, be prepared to be covered in whatever your cutting because they are messy tools.

  7. zombie is my bitch

    axe: why have to chose to cut or bash, when you can do both?

  8. Chainsaw is useless with lack of a firearm I would go with the crowbar. The crowbar is light enough that you could wield it for an extended period of time without getting tired. It is also heavy and hard enough to crack a skull and can be used to open doors, boxes and break locks. With a crowbar I would carry a hatchet (strapped to my pack or in it) for any camp related jobs and in a pinch could be used against the undead plus I would carry at least two knives on full sized hunting/combat and a tactical/survival folding knife. My point is the chainsaw is purely fiction and could never hold up to the zombie apocalypse because far more practical and less cumbersome tools are available.

    • You forgot to mention the price of crowbar. They are cheap as hell! Got my 24 inch Stanley for ten bucks at Lowe’s. Made out of carbon steel, and super durable, I made a handle out of hockey tape on mine, and filed the edges down with a three dollar file so it would pry better. Zombie go boom tested it, but they used it horribly wrong, and it still worked. Mind you at that size it’s all two handed though, but you get excellent control.

  9. I love my Stanley Extreme FUBAR III. An Awesome skull splitter, smasher, nail puller, crowbar and pretty much indestructible. I also have the FUBAR II as a back up and close quarter weapon.

  10. Vulcan lirpa. hands down.

  11. I would never use a chainsaw in a post apocalyptic world be it zombies or what ever I would never use it.

  12. Swords they’re double bladed at times do quick decapitation and dont make a peep.

    • Patrick Forbes

      But swords require sharpening and careful, tedious upkeep. Also, most swords nowadays are replicas, fakes, and in no way close to combat-ready. You would probably end up breaking the sword on the first or second swing. Sorry to pop your bubble.
      PS. Most actual swords aren’t double-sided.

  13. Also a chainsaw dulls pretty much anytime it hits something other than wood. Imagine trying to cut through flesh, bone, and muscle with a steadily dulling blade.

  14. I don’t even like using a chainsaw to cut wood. I wouldn’t even consider it in the zombie apocalypse.

  15. I like the gas powered nailgun it’s fairly quiet, you have almost unlimited ammunition the projectiles can easily be filed down to go straight through said zombies head.. And they are everywhere which is helpful in a country like Australia (where I am from) because we aren’t exactly rolling in firearms down here.

  16. The risk of injuring yourself is also very high with a chainsaw! If you try to cut open a skull, your chainsaw can easily kickback and you can cut yourself with a blade covered in zombie blood and guts… Sad way to go, but you deserve it if you are dumb enough to use a chainsaw against a horde of zombies! There are much better zombie killing tools laying around in your garage!

    • There’s a way better weapon then chainsaw. Its a machine gun or flamethrower! (Sarcastically)

      • Yeah! I want a flamethrower! I mean why have wimpy regular Zombies after me, When I can have badass flaming Zombies instead! P.s I too am being sarcastic.

  17. Trench spike… knuckles to keep em at bay and break their jaws, and a spike capable of piercing the skull

    • a Trench Spike isn’t practical. sure, it’s light weight but becomes ineffective if you are fighting off multiple targets. mostly due to its range. you have to be well withing arms reach to deliver an attack. if you come across a horde, you may take a few down but you will certainly not escape. Trench Spikes weren’t meant for that type of combat, they were made for close quarters combat in a confined space (i.e. the trenches on the battlefields of the World War) where you wouldn’t be facing no more than 2 people at a time due to the limited space.

      • Trenchspikes are practical because they are made to smash through helmets and heads and into the brain underneath. If multiple zombies are in contact You can take out some with the blade and knock even more back from the blade and knuckledusters

  18. An aluminum bat or a solid built staff. mostly for keeping them away but can be damge providing for the undead

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